TW: Depression, and I use the word “crazy” to describe myself.
One of the things that’s really confusing and difficult about life with the gargoyle is that sometimes I honestly can’t tell whether I have a legitimate complaint or if I’m just being crazy.
Right now I’m feeling extremely neglected by someone who is a major part of my life. I usually call her “my best friend,” and I often think of her like a sister. And I can’t tell whether it’s the gargoyle making me feel this way or if I’m having a reasonable response to what’s going on.
And there is history there. A lot of history. It’s not the first time I’ve felt this way in this relationship. I just don’t know what to do. I waffle between “You don’t have any right to feel this way” and “Goddamn, you have EVERY right to feel this way.” I don’t know which is true.
All I know is that right now I am not actually sure whether my maid of honor is coming to my wedding, and that feels pretty fucked up right now. And I’m too paralyzed by my own self-doubt to even bring it up with her. I’m so convinced that there’s no non-asshole way to ask “You’re coming, right?” to your maid of honor that I can’t bring myself to call her at all. And I’m so unsure whether my feelings are real (or at least… realistic. Justified? Obviously they are real; I’m currently feeling them!) that I don’t think I can even start to get into all the other issues. I am seriously hating this.
I wish this wedding was over. The closer it gets the more emotional garbage seems to get stirred up, all of which just makes me feel less and less like a competent adult and more and more like a collection of bizarre emotional issues jammed into a roughly human shape.