I have Mixed Feelings about my upcoming wedding!
Not sure how to start this really. First off, I suppose, let me assure you that my feelings as regards my upcoming marriage are unmixed!: My enthusiasm for that remains undimmed after over a year of engagement and nine months of cohabitation! It’s the wedding I am not feeling so excited about. And perhaps because I don’t feel so excited about it, I sometimes wonder if I am Doing It Wrong. Like there is this big cultural thing I am supposed to be doing, Planning My Wedding, with scrapbooks filled with magazine clippings (or the modern version of that, a wedding folder on Pinterest), and it’s supposed to be all I think or talk about? The culture assures me that this is like the most important thing in the world and the culmination of all my life’s hopes and dreams and I should think of nothing else. And… not so much! I did make an account on The Knot when we first got engaged, because my best friend told me it was great. But I never really use it for anything except as an address book.
Expressing some of these feelings to my fiance, he suggested that it wasn’t a surprise that I checked out of the wedding planning thing, since my mom kind of took it over and shot me down on a lot of things. Because what we wanted would not count as a “real wedding,” apparently. I’m not sure if I’m really upset about this or… what. I do feel a little resentful that I have to do stuff like a “first dance” which I’m just kind of uncomfortable with because I don’t like the idea of being watched. It feels like we have to perform our relationship, rather than just… you know, live it. And I don’t like that we have to invite a bunch of people who I barely know, friends of my parents and so on. If I haven’t seen the person since I was ten years old, do they really have a major emotional investment in me? …apparently.
But as we’ve been resignedly saying for a year now, “It’s not about us.” And it really isn’t. And it’s not really as dire as I sometimes make it sound. I got my way on a lot of things. I didn’t even get a fight about not doing a Catholic ceremony, and since neither of my brothers had Catholic weddings (or married Catholics) either, I’m sure that’s pretty sad for my mom. So really I am just a whiner. I guess it’s just tough to reconcile the reality, that it’s not about me, with the cultural message that it’s ALLLLLLLLL about me. Cause even when you know it’s a load, cultural programming gets in there pretty deep.
At any rate, I have less than four months of this crap left. I am going to be sooooo happy when it is over. My advice to anyone considering marriage: ELOPE.
(I vetoed elopement… I said we could have gotten away with it four years ago, but not now. BIGGEST REGRET!) (No, but it’s going to be fine. And I’m really looking forward to seeing my friends, especially since I don’t get to see them that often!)